I feel like dead weight.

It's 4:28am and I'm admiring how clean the room looks. Jason cleaned again and I did nothing to help. There are few things in my life that occur again and again. Always on schedule. On time. Never finished. Never put behind me. Always a continual annoyance. My life goes in circles and I'm so sick of the familiar scenery.

It begins. I get a vision. I get excited and I work hard. I do well. Time passes and things start going wrong. One by one things start to fall apart. I begin to slow down. Run out of gas. Lose steam. When I have been swimming toward land I begin to flail. No matter how hard I tread water, I go under. I sink regardless of if there are waves to help drown me.

I feel like quitting. No matter how hard I try to get a firm grasp on my life, most of the time I just feel like I'm holding on by my finger tips. I fall behind and things pile up whether it's bills, class work or the clothes on the floor of my closet. One day. Probably soon. Could be tomorrow. I will wake up to reality and I will begin to work hard again. I will be excited again as I remind myself of my past goals. I will deny my flesh it's insatiable appetite. I will keep my body and my life clean. I will work hard. I will be responsible. I will be diligent in my studies. I will love the Lord with all my heart soul and mind.

How long will it last though? How long until my life begins to spin out of control again? How long will I be able to hold on? Until I lose my grip and fall... again and again.

"Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with m mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin. There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." ~Romans 7:24-8:1~

I cling to this promise.