I don't understand it. I don't have a headache and I didn't get hit in the head by a 2 x 4, but...

My head hurts. I studied for about 7 hours today, and I'm still not done. My last two exams are tomorrow and I am having trouble remembering how to think. I feel physically, mentally and spiritually exausted.

-Physically exausted because... well... I don't know. I don't exercise
-Mentally because of having to study for two difficult finals
-Spiritually because I feel like I'm running in circles

I keep on thinking that because I'm 20, I'm somehow mature and ready to be independant. Considering that my father is infinite and I'm only 20 years old, it's laughable to think that I'm anything more than a baby. Unable to walk on my own. Unable to speak correctly, or speak at all. No control of my bodily functions and causing a mess every time I soil myself. No control over my head and in desperate need of a hand to keep myself from breaking my own neck. I'm so tired of not being able to grow. I've had a personal relationship with God for about 15 years now, and I find that for every new thing I learn, I forget something that I've already learned.

It's like in the comedies where a not-too-bright guy puts a hole in the wall and water starts coming out. He plugs the hole up with his hand and just when he thinks the problem is solved, water comes out of a newly made hole. He covers this new hole while still covering the first hole. Then another hole opens up and pretty soon he runs out of ways to keep all the different holes covered up.

This long drawn out analogy just to say that I want to move on. I want to look back on different things that I've learned or have done that give me a sense of moving forward. I want to grow and actually learn things and not constantly forget them. I want to change. I don't want to be stagnant. I want to be spring and not a swamp. I want my water to be quality. Good enough to put in a clear plastic bottle with a label of a creek or something that makes people think of fresh water...I'm retarded.

I'm done with writing for tonight. After a while I just find that I'm attempting to be clever and get a few laughs. I don't want to do this because what I'm really trying to say gets watered down......

nevermind.