I keep on finding out new and horrible things about myself.

I just don't know how one minute I can be doing great, and the next minute I want to end my life. Granted it's not that drastic, but I find that I have been developing mood swings lately. Maybe this isn't new and everyone else has known and I've been in the dark the whole time. Hopefully someday I will learn how it's possible to feel like crap when nothing is wrong. This just causes me to act like a jerk. Not always to people, but a lot of times to God. I was hoping that I would get my paycheck cashed before a few of my checks went through. Well I checked my bank account online and found that 2 checks went through and one bounced the night before I was going to be able to cash my paycheck. I went to sleep mad at God that night because I was wondering why I was getting screwed so much financially when I was being faithful to tithe. Then today I get a letter from one of my close friends with a check for $50. When I recieved this I was being such a freaking jerk that I actually got mad at God for getting it to me after I had already bounced the check. What an ungrateful person I am. He answers my prayer and gives me something I don't deserve and I throw it back in his face. I feel unworthy and feel like crying.

Tonight I left Crusade for the second week in a row. My heart hurts and I am tired of acting and feeling this way. I often feel like the world has wronged me and for that it owes me. Well the truth is the world has no debts on my account. The only debts that exist are my own.....

and their weight is suffocating.