I asked if I could be excused and I walked to the far side of the Shands auditorium where we meet for Crusade every week.

The place I had chosen was back by the wall and was surrounded by empty rows of seats. I closed my eyes and completely lost myself as I began praising God. As the praise band played I forgot about everything around me. I danced before the Lord. I shouted and lifted my hands. I sang until my lungs hurt, and my mouth was sore from smiling so much. I abandoned myself to worshipping the Lord and I felt like I had finally given up everything. Every area of my life that I wanted to keep a close watch on, was lost in the crowd of people worshipping.

I am in pain in two areas as I sit here and write. My legs feel like jell-o and I'm not looking forward to the time when I'm going to have to stand up. My heart is also a little sore.

Tonight was probably one of the funnest nights I have had in a while. I danced in the middle of a crowd of cute girls in cowboy hats, and guys in tight jeans with tucked in, bloused out, white button down collared shirts. Probably 80% of everyone I know in Gainesville, went to 8 Seconds tonight. I danced with almost everyone there and then did it again.

The one person that I probably cared the most about though, was already there with a guy friend. I didn't feel like I was competing with this guy for Meghan's affections because that just isn't the place I want in Meghan's life. I found that I envied this guy's ability to be good friends with Meghan. I wanted to be that friend. A friend that didn't have to worry about strange feelings and awkward situations. I felt separated and estranged from someone I should feel a lot closer to. I guess dating someone doesn't necessarily make you great friends although I wish that were the case. I felt awkward and found myself looking at her and then looking over at him. Feelings of jealousy and hurt would surface and I'd push them back under in attempts to drown them.

I screwed up. I liked her too much and should have just been her friend. Now in exchange for a few months of caring deeply for her, I'm paying the consequences for my actions and I just wish that the debt would get paid off soon. I feel mixed up inside and I just want things to be normal again.

I guess I just miss my friend.