Meghan and I broke up about two weeks ago. We really haven't gotten to talk at length since then except for about 10 minutes if I'm lucky. I feel like I'm asking for too much. I just wish this whole ordeal would just go away. I want us to be friends and take up just where we left off, which never happens and I am losing hope in the belief that Meghan and I will be the first. I wrote an e-mail to her tonight which I'm not going to send. Here is a part of it:

"I know it's hard for you to say what you're feeling and I don't ask that you tell me your biggest darkest secrets. I'm not even asking you to give anywhere near as much of yourself as I have. All I'm asking for is something. Anything. I feel ignorant. I feel like I'm pressuring you. I feel like you're avoiding some kind of problem. I feel confused. I feel distant. I feel like that pathetic loser who calls and leaves a hundred messages on a girl's answering machine and never hears back. I don't know what to feel anymore. I don't even know if I'm going to send this to you."

I need something to alleviate these questions in my head. With time and no one to answer them I find that they grow and grow. They consume my thoughts. I begin to think the worst and am thoroughly convinced that she is about to tell me that the world is going to end. Later I usually come to find out that it was all imagined. Nothing was what it seemed. It usually turns out like The Wizard of Oz and the wizard ends up being some wuss talking into a loud speaker, behind a curtain.