I have a chronic problem of forgetting things I've learned. A friend confronted me by saying that I piss him off or at least that's the way it started. Then what followed was something that I needed to hear, but didn't like hearing. Let me take it back.

I went to hear Franklin Graham speak last night and heard an incredible message and was able to see literally hundreds come to know the Lord. People around me were praising God, crying, laughing, or both. I found myself sitting there stunned. Digging deep within me and finding nothing stirring. No human emotion that told me my heart was still intact. As I left the stadium I felt numb and felt like I had done something wrong. I silently walked back to Chris' dorm with Kari. All I could think about was getting home as soon as possible so I could hide in my room, which is something I do a lot these days. From Chris' dorm, we walked Kari back to her dorm. On the way, I made the mistake of opening my mouth. I started falling back into self-pity and listing off the reasons why everyone else was better off. I should have kept my mouth shut.

After we had dropped off Kari... Anne, Chris, and I walked over to Chi O. I was able to talk with Anne a little as Chris walked silently on the other side of her. My throat started to ache and I started to cry as I explained how I didn't have any passion for the Lord. I explained the way I was feeling during the Franklin Graham invitation and how I didn't know how to be passionate for the Lord anymore. This feeling of losing my passion was based on my flawed belief that passion had everything to do with me and how I am doing spiritually. Being completely wrong I was reminded that God chooses to give us passion, or he doesn't. It has nothing to do with us. How many times will this be taught to me before I finally learn? Will this be the last time I have to be sat down and told the truth? I hope so, because what I heard later was like a glass of cold water in the face while you are asleep. I would have liked to be shaken awake instead, but the water was used first. It had it's desired effect though...

I woke up.

Chris explained to me that I had so much to be thankful for. He also explained that God has me right where he wants me; broken and having nothing. Nothing to spend, but more importantly, nothing to offer. Like the story of the dad who gives his son six pence so that his son can by him a present. In the same way God gives so that we can give back. We are not giving God anything that he doesn't already have. Some of the time he chooses not to give and that is his business. It has nothing to do with me. I don't remember everything that was said by Chris. I think that God was speaking to me and I was listening to Him instead. I'm glad I serve a God that is patient. Especially when I have to be taught the same thing time and time again. I just hope that God will bless my friends with the same patience, while I spiritually sound out each letter.